Taking chances to follow a dream

I have spent the better part of my life dodging chances. I’m not a timid person by any means and I’m certainly not afraid of rejection. Letting opportunity walk by is a little deeper than everyone’s normal excuses.

I have a lot of demons in my life, some I’ve over come and others are still a work in progress. My life has never been easy. I’ve spent my young teens and adulthood making decisions and facing the repocussions of these decisions. My biggest demon is finances, growing up poor, living paycheck to paycheck, being compulsive and having had a drinking problem led me over the years to completely screw myself, even today. I never learned how to manage money and I didn’t have a good example growing up. I fight myself every single day about where I should be and where I’m not. Another demon is how much I beat myself up about dropping out of both high school and college. There’s nothing worse than seeing people your age with great jobs, homes and cars. When these people ask you what you do you say “vet tech” and they ask about school and you say “no” every single person gives the same answer “oh, that’s cool” but their faces are all judgement. The hardest thing to do is wake up and do a job that you’ve been doing for eleven years and you still aren’t compensated for the amount of work you do AND you simply don’t want to do it anymore. It crushes you daily.

I day dream often about being paid to workout, model and train people so that they can experience how awesome it is to lift! I want to share my passion with the world, I want to inspire the world with my body and words. I want people to say they they kept going because of me. It hurts knowing that this is going to remain a dream for a very long time, if not forever. So every day I follow my fitness idols, read articles about fitness, I go lift and watch the people more fit than me and I can only think that I would kill to be them. I wonder if they treat their profession with passion and love, not just because it’s a paycheck, because shame on them if they don’t see how lucky they are to be where they are.

I’ve seen contests from body building companies looking for models but I look past. I just felt like there was no way so why bother. Yesterday I saw one and I started reading about how to enter and it seemed simple enough so I did it… I was embarrassed at first. I was worried what people would think for me wanting likes on a photo to help me win. After I entered I posted the link to my Facebook page and I was touched by what happened. In the course of just a few hours I had over ten friends share the post and I had 70 likes before I knew it. Although I know I won’t win it was absolutely amazing to see the support from friends, acquaintances and strangers. These are people that believe in me, they don’t see what I see in myself, they see me as someone deserving of a win. It really made me feel great.

I will continue to push every single day because this is what I love. Even if I never do this as a career, I will still work harder than everyone because this is what I was made to do. https://youtu.be/BNwhWgt5CSg

Here’s the like below to my contest I’m up to 136 likes!! Incredible!!

http://woobox.com/b6eh6z/vote/for/10635867

Below are some recent progress pictures and some just for fun pictures!! Thanks for visiting! 

  
  
  
  
  

I love carbs

Ok, I know there are some people out there that avoid carbohydrates like the plague, I am not one of them.. Don’t get me wrong now though, I’m not a carb addict. I could care less about bread, pasta or rice..but what I do love is pizza, Mexican food and beer. I know you may be wondering about that beer, thinking to yourself “I thought she was sober”. I was sober, for at least two and a half years but I started again. Not my best judgement call and for a while I thought I had it “under control ” but that’s what every alcoholic thinks. ANYWAY, I’ll get back to that.  I’ve been dieting all summer to get “cut” so I simply reduced the carbs that I was consuming during the week. I’ll tell you what, my body does not like that at all!! I’ve struggled for months to keep my strength and stamina. I’ve had more bad days than good and because of some bad habits, I had minimal results. I was basically making myself miserable(because of the diet) and mentally beating myself up(because of bad habits) I couldn’t go on like that. A normal week for me was as follows: diet my ass off Monday through Friday, binge eat and drink Friday night through Sunday. If I were a less stubborn person I would’ve nipped it in the bud sooner.. But all is well in my world. I decided that I needed to get my life and priorities back on track so I chose to quit drinking and start “bulking”. I say it that way because I simply increased my caloric intake to 2-2100 calories per day. I focus only on my protein and carbs and whatever is left over I allow for some fat. As for the drinking, I’m 23 days sober !! Woop woop!

Almost immediately I felt stronger, faster and more alert. I’ve gone into the gym everyday and destroyed those weights!! I have more energy and I’m more focused. It’s quite fabulous! It’s been easier to stack to my diet and I have less cravings for bad food. In conclusion, alcohol carbs are bad, food carbs are good. Hungover lifting is bad, sober and alert lifting is good! SO SIMPLE!!

Still kinda have abs

A little more fluff to love

Chicken and rice, food of the gods!
Get shredded or die bulking

My triumphant return!

Never skip a Monday because it’s the perfect way to set yourself up to succeed. I’ve had to remind myself of this many times over the last three years. After taking a break last week from lifting, I was amped up to go lift on Monday. I was so excited that I had trouble deciding what muscle group to workout. After going back and forth with myself on my drive home from work it was decided that I would do legs! Yay leg day! Most people hate it, loathe it, despise it but I’m over here like “yep, I love leg day.”

I wasn’t really sure what to expect seeing as it’s been years since I’ve taken more than just a few days off from the gym. So I went into it thinking I’d be weak and lame. Holy hell!! To my astonishment I was the hulk! I tore up leg day. I was so strong, I didn’t struggle with the weight like I had been prior and I even hit a couple PRs. It was the boost that I needed to push my motivation to the next level. 

Pretty much that’s how the rest of the week went for me. I felt stronger and with every lift I felt better. My joints didn’t hurt or pop and I had more energy. I couldn’t be happier. I feel the love again for body building. It’s so sad that a week before this I felt like quitting because I wasn’t enjoying my hobby. That’s one more reason to never give up on yourself and the things you love! DO WORK!!
 

leg press PR for 10 reps
  
suns out, guns out
  
skys out, thighs out
  
 

  

  

Baby steps towards greatness.

After my mini meltdown earlier this week, I took a step back and decided I needed a break. Here’s why I did that, I needed a break from training not because my body needed it but because my mind needed it. It wasn’t  because I couldn’t handle the stress but because I needed to focus on my goals. Most of all I needed to remember how much I love and need training in my life. 

So far so good. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I’ve come to a few solutions. First, if I’m ever going to make this a career I need to put my fitness goals first, as in diet, not skipping days, more sleep etc. Second, drinking alcohol does not fit into this life what so ever. Even on my best weeks I completely kill all the hard work I’ve put in with one night.  I have some fears with giving up alcohol again but that’s for another time. Third, I need to learn to say no. I don’t have to go to every social event and I certainly don’t need to feel the peer pressure to eat out and drink. This is another fear, I’d like to think that I have a lot of really good friends but I assume the numbers will diminish if I start saying no. Lastly, telling myself that I’m doing well, telling myself how much progress I’ve made. I need to stop breaking myself down and destroying myself mentally. I have a long road ahead of me and with the proper support I should be able to keep myself on track. 

Other than being lazy, this week has been mentally productive. I’ve slept a lot, watched some movies and hung around with some animals. Haha! Most of all I made it a goal to stick to my diet 100 percent and I’ve done just that, I’ve crushed cravings and gotten all my macros daily. So bring on the future. Bring on the changes. Bring on the challenges. It’s times show everyone what I’m capable of. It’s time to make history! 

There goals are out in the open, now its time to hold myself accountable.

 

Every day we hustle

 
Eating out with coworkers
   

 

   

My once weekly confession. 

Many of you will understand the struggles of being an avid exerciser. There tend to be some things that, well, we simply don’t want to do because you have to turn around and do it again the next day. For me, it’s my hair. It’s really damn long and it does take quite a deal of work. Shampooing, conditioning, brushing and drying…. And dammit, I spend 90 percent of my time sore. It’s exhausting to do all those things just to turn around and do it again the very next day. I have better things to do like eat and sleep. 

It started out as a three time a week washing, then two and now one. I honestly don’t even care. If I stunk, yea I’d wash it… But surprisingly I don’t!! YAY fitness voodoo!! So here I am as the week goes by trying to play off different hair styles when I know I look like a greaser. I’m just like “you know what, when the weekend comes this is gonna feel so awesome clean” I just think about all the time I’m saving and it’s awesome!! Judge me, please. It feeds my drive! While you spend that extra five minutes cleaning and conditioning your hair all be climbing into bed and dreaming about all my gains. 

 

This is the beach blown look right??
  
dirty hair dont care!!
 

  

Warriors fight personal battles too. 

Wake up at six am, go to high stress job, go to gym, shower, take care of bare minimum responsibilities, repeat. Day after day, after day. You aren’t left with “me time” this lifestyle COMPLETELY revolves around timing, eating and sweating. You forget that you have emotions and bumps in the road(just like everyone else)until it fucking slaps you right in the mouth. 

Some days it’s just as simple as eating a bad meal or skipping the gym to catch up on chores but other times it’s more severe. It’s mental and physical. It’s all the thoughts that, as body builders, we have from time to time. I can only speak for myself but it’s almost detrimental to my well being. I’ve always been a burier of emotions and thoughts, it’s a possibility that this effects me more. Who knows. I’ve had some crappy diet slip ups over the last few weeks, not just a bad meal, a bad weekend. I get completely disgusted with myself after the fact but I do it again the next weekend. I’ve drank alcohol every night on my weekends as well, if you’ve read my bio page has been a huge battle with me. I’ve not 100 percent completed workouts and they’ve be pretty weak here lately. Lastly, I’ve come to the point in my relationship that I would give anything to have more time with him but we simply don’t have it, being long distance. So I’ve been choosing those few more hours on Sunday night with him, not meal prepping like I should. All if the above with my added schedule stress has completely drained my ability to fight. 

“I don’t care” is my whole attitude but I do care. I care too much. About every damn thing. I care that I’m ruining my progress, I care that I’ve been weak, I care that have to pick between boyfriend and life, I care that my hours suck, I care that I can’t even spend time with my animals, I care that I haven’t even visited my own step dad in the nursing home and I care that I can’t help my mom like I should be. In order for me to make it through my day I have to say I don’t care. I lie to myself and I lie to everyone who asks if I’m ok. I put so much stress on being a strong, hard working, inspiring individual that I refuse to burden others with how I’m doing. I am everyone else’s shoulder. I listen and I know how important that is to a person but I can’t take my own advice. 

Tonight was almost a breaking point for me. I forced myself to grocery shop, then I napped not because I was tired, necessarily but because I just didn’t want to cook or workout. When I got up the only reason I started my prep was because I told myself I needed to be in bed by ten(obviously I suck at reaching goals)  I have never wanted to throw away all my food and call it quits quite like tonight. I cried, got angry because I cried, cried more because I just want one day to not mentally fight with myself. ONE DAY. I want to be able to give my boyfriend a hug in the middle of the week, I want to look like my idols, I want to not get cravings for bad food or feel weak and tired. I don’t feel like I’m asking Tim much out of life, I know great things require work and I know it’s not supposed to be easy but come the fuck on. What will I gain out of a life where I do nothing but fight mental battles? Gain a perfect physique? Be that super sexy fit couple? Be everyone’s inspiration? But at what cost? At that point I’m not longer doing this because it’s a passion, Im doing it for vanity. I may have had a tantrum/ pity party but it held a lot of truth. 

So here I am. Laying in bed. No real solution has been made but I got it off my chest. I’ll continue to do what I do every day. These battles won’t stop but hopefully over time they’ll lessen. 

 

One of my emotional stages, anger.

 
Finally freaking done cooking
  
  

Flexed really hard just for that…

It’s not a bad life, it’s a bad day.

I am human. I know, completely hard to believe!! I am though, I promise! So being as I am human and being as I lift, I always have more mental and physical stress than the average person. I’ve always been so proud of how I handle massive amounts of stress and I’ve never been phased when more has been added. I feel like Atlas. Don’t twist my words now, I said feel like, I in no way think I’m a god!! So I handle stress well, yay! That’s the easy part. Fighting your mental battles is what really defines and sets some people apart. I’d like to believe that I’m one of those people. 

Every single day I do the same routine. I eat the same thing and I fight the same battles. I AM my own worst enemy. Some days are easier but for the most part it’s over the same two things: diet and exercise. It is me telling myself how much I want that pizza or Mexican food but then beating myself up about becoming fat and destroying my goals. It can get unbearable. It makes me feel like a lunatic. I couldn’t even give you a number of times that I’ve eaten what I wanted and then spent the next day hating myself. There’s no middle ground. I truly think some days that I really do have a problem. The same applies to lifting. I work at a high stress/ heavy work job, the hours are long and most days we skip sitting for lunch. My days can range from 12-15 hours, counting my wake up time. I’ve left work falling asleep at the wheel but I STILL argue with myself about working out, even when sleep would benefit me more. When it comes to skipping the gym all emotions let loose, it’s like an emotional roller coaster. I cry about going but then get angry at being weak. My inner realist knows that I should just go because I’ll feel better even if I’m tired. Some days it just ain’t that easy. I get so bent out of shape that almost  nothing makes it better. I have a great support group and that’s normal the final step to my tantrum. Whether or not they help is situational. 

I can sit here and see the looks on your faces. I sound crazy but to be completely honest I think when you have this kind of discipline day in and day out it wears on you. Everyone and their easy nine to five job, their TV show binge watching and their fast food eating does effect you. It’s around you twenty four-seven. Some days, all though few and far between I feel like giving up and seeing what that’s like. I want to feel more than sleep, work, gym but the beast inside me quickly tells me that I’m not made to sit. I am made to inspire, motivate and set an example. Every person that’s ever said that I inspire them goes through my head when I feel like quitting because that is what makes me happy at the end of my day. You guys keep me going because I cannot fail you! 

Today was one of those days. I over came and met a friend at the gym. It was a frustrating workout because I felt weak and tired. I had good company and even though I was dropping weight during sets I still kept going. When I finally finished leg day I knew why I started lifting all over again. I love how it makes me feel. Granted I’m not 100 percent but I’m better.  

just the tip 😁 it hurt so bad
  
So I took some selfies, it makes me happy to see how far I’ve come. 

  
   

   

You do what with your food?! 

August 18th 2015

I slacked a little bit this week on my meal prepping, so I’ve been bringing tons of food to work and preparing it at lunch time. It never fails though, that someone has to make a comment about how I live. All I can do is find the humor in it. Sort of like ” bro, do you even diet” NO!! Of course not! I remember the days of fast food for every meal and I don’t miss that! I remember how I looked and felt, you can keep that lifestyle. So for those of you that meal prep and those that don’t, it requires measuring AND weighing everything. Apparently that’s not common knowledge!

One of the ladies asked me, ” so you weigh everything ?” My answer was of course “yes” * insert confused stare, followed by another question * “but why?” At this point I’m  in this situation for about the thousandth time, with yet another person. My answer doesn’t get any easier, or anymore  confusing to a person than this: “because I have goals” GOT EM! She really had nothing more to say to me. Over the years I’ve found that not very many people actually have goals and they just can’t relate. It’s sad. 

If I could change one thing with the world it would be to give people goals, no matter the size. Just give them a reason to do, not exist. 

uhhhh, what does a scale have to do with food?!?!

You are what you eat, brah!
 
#bodybuilding #fuckaverage

Running for myself. 

August 17th 2015

Three years ago I was a cardio queen, I ran between three and five miles a day. I loved it. If you’ve ever ran for an extended period of time, you get a high. It’s really the closest way  to experience being high on life. Anyway, this was at the beginning of my fitness journey and I was always searching ways to become better. I already had the addiction to fitness in just a short time. It was my drug. I just wanted more and more. Having had pervious substance abuse I thought this was a perfect way to aid my idol hands.. I started looking at body builders and I just loved how the muscles and veins popped. I was like “I want to look this way” I joined LA fitness near my job so that I would hold myself accountable and go every day. I did just that. During my first few weeks I met a trainer there who explained how too much cardio will cause muscle loss and I needed to stop running…. I was skeptical, especially after I experienced his recommendation of the stair master… DUN DUUNN DUUUNNN DUUUUNNNN. I hated that darn thing but I had goal that I needed to reach!! That was when I pretty much said goodbye to my daily runs, other than an occasional three miler here or there. Three months ago I decided I was finally happy with the amount of muscle I had and that I wanted to start up running again. At first I hated it but as the weeks went on my times and distances improved and I had that addiction back! 

Tonight I accomplished my longest run in the history of running.  I ran ten miles in one hour and fifty two minutes. I set in goal tonight for five miles but I just couldn’t stop running. I feel incredible. I feel like a warrior. I feel like how I picture myself one day. I want to be great at everything. FUCK AVERAGE. This is who I am. Sure, you may say that other athletes could easily stomp my time… That’s fine because this isn’t about anyone but myself. I am here to better myself. I put my blinders on years ago so that I focus on what I’m doing. So, watch me do that! 

 

i couldnt make any cool GPS trails today.
  
My hair was basically in a wad. I may never brush it again.
 

#fatloss #cardio #fuckaverage