A Nine Inch Nails Album Title Or The Actual Downward Spiral Of MY Life? 

Not even Trent Reznor could make a hit song out of this ….

I want to share a story with you all. It’s about something that impacted my life and caused more hurt than I ever imagined. Depression, the silent killer. Sadly, by the time I realized I lost my grip there was nothing left for me to grab hold of.

What if I told you that I spent nearly five years perfecting my body and mind. I was sculpting and improving myself physically and mentally day in and day out. Pushing past the pain, blood, sweat and tears because the results were real. I felt myself change into who I believe I could be. I worked this hard because I found myself  in body building. I was meant for this. I actually found my passion in life. Something other than self destruction and substance abuse. There was not much second thought to what my daily agenda included: work, gym, eat, sleep. It was almost as easy to do as my alcohol abuse. The thing is, body building made me feel amazing inside and out. No more headaches, fatigue or depression. I became a one woman wolf pack. Confident, focused, strong and even more independent than before. Changes happened physically but quickly to follow was my mental health. I noticed that the Brain I had been carrying around my whole life was worth a crap. Why would I ever quit, right?  That’s what I thought too. I had over come so many obstacles and I was never deterred. I was mentally stronger than everything that tested me. That was where I made my mistake. I got cocky. I think this part of me  didn’t think that I could be touched by human emotions. I somehow became stronger than my mind, or I so ignorantly thought. I lived my life day by day for years. I only had myself to think about and I thought it was perfect that way. Until I met the man that made me think about my life in the long term. I started to make changes that would be beneficial to my future. I added growth, experience and  income to my radars. I felt out of my element but started making decisions using ” smarter long term” thinking. There I was two years into better life decisions and I was still kicking butt and taking names. That was until decisions came with life and comfort changing circumstances.

I put myself in a position that seemed to be the most beneficial to my life and happiness. A new job, less commute, a genuinely appreciative boss and a leadership role. I felt confident that leaving the job I loved would be a thing of the past with this new and exciting opportunity. To my dismay, this was not how it played out.  I soon realized that I was mislead from what I understood my job to be. It was a nightmare. I had gotten myself into a worse situation despite all of the positive reasons on the horizon. It was that way of thinking took over me. It consumed my every waking thought. I blamed myself. I bullied myself for taking worse, “better” opportunities. I battled myself mentally at work all the while my food went to waste. My body was a machine for years,  serving me well on my daily grind. I never neglected to fuel myself and was unaware of what devastating effects an empty gas tank would do to my life. I began to feel the effects when I became unable to eat my meals and I was working open to close five days a week. I was mentally and physically fatigued,  weak  and ultimately lead me to start skipping the gym. I was so abusive to myself during this time, I couldn’t make sense as to why I was so mean to myself, knowing I didn’t have anything to bring to the gym. I would beat myself up for skipping a workout, even if it was warranted.

Here comes logical brain speed walking to save the day… My logical response to lack of body fuel, exhaustion and mental abuse was to take off some time from lifting with hopes of reducing mental anguish inflicted on myself, by myself. I was tired of being a huge dick to myself all the time.

Four months and twenty pounds later…. I didn’t know who I was.

Left: 135 lbs. Right: 155lbs
Every day I struggled to look at myself. I was disgusted by my appearance. I felt haggard and weak. I hated everything about myself. I was so deep in depression that I wasn’t even expecting to come out. I didn’t care. I was a dead shell of a woman, not even a reflection of my life was visible. In my mind I was already dead. I woke up everyday and completed chores, job duties etc. but I wasn’t actually in control. Walking depression is how some of the population suffer. Those of us who don’t have the ability to make our lives stop completely, learn to go through the motions instead. The most alive I felt was when I cried because the constant day dreams of being physically dead made me feel emotions that I had felt in months. I couldn’t understand why I felt nothing for the people and things that  I thought I loved more than myself.

Imagine going to bed wishing you wouldn’t  wake up. Imagine driving to work and day dreaming about being in a fatal accident. Just imagine….   I felt nothing but sadness and pain. I enjoyed nothing. I couldn’t even make myself feel emotions towards my boyfriend, dogs, friends and family. I lived in a menta prison for months. If I had been a weaker person I could have justified ending my own life because those dreams brought me a eerie comfort and contentment. Although depression Erica wanted to be dead in all my thoughts and dreams, that was not something I could ever do. knew that to be true. Maybe that’s why I cried so hard over those feelings of death?  Maybe I cried because I knew it wasn’t right to feel comfortable with dying? Maybe I cried because I didn’t know what to do? I didn’t hide my depression. I spoke with a few close to me that understood depression from experience. I tried to explain how I felt to others, in hopes of making them understand how depression functions. I never once felt like I should spare someone’s discomfort by lying about “how I was doing”  Their reaction and response to ” well, I’m depressed and struggling” generally yielded hurried, regretful gestures and responses. I grew an even larger resentment for social events because of how many conversations and interactions are simply for gaining social status. It also made me sad knowing how many people are struggling with depression but won’t ever get a legitimate opportunity to be heard.

Unless you yourself have battled depression, you can not begin to imagine how deeply embedded in your life it is. You cannot “feel better” you can not be “un-depressed”. Just “being positive” isn’t enough to heal either. Singing “kumbaya” around a campfire doesn’t actually work. It does not make me or anyone like me weak.  Living with depression day in, day out make us some of the strongest. The fact that we force ourselves to work, to the store and other social events while feeling nearly nothing that makes us human, is incredible. Do not judge what you cannot see or do not understand. Every person battling depression on this planet deserves freedom from judgement and the pre determined “personality flaws” that society has chosen.

I overcame. There was no magic, no pill, no easy answer for how I have slowly beat my depression. The only time I can truly say I felt hope was after months and months of struggle when I had a thought of truly saying ” fuck it” , to my job, relationship, friendships and goals. It was that thought of actually saying fuck it that triggered a spark of anger in me. “I do not give up and I will not let this win.” The real me got through to depression Erica. It has been an epic mental battle this year and I am tired but not ready to let my guard down. I still have healing to do.

Disclaimer 

  • Obviously I didn’t die because I’m here talking about my life
  • I’m not going to talk about or include details about my battle out of depression because there are some things that should be kept personal
  • I promise there’s no secret to anything I’ve done
  • I am forever humbled and I will not think I am stronger than a disease
  • I will never have that time I lost, back. That saddens me more than you will know
  • Beating depression basically required me to completely crumble and fall. Then I got lucky and somehow I saw my chance to rebuild
  • I have never been so determined to completely rebuild myself stronger than before. Starting with my mind and following with my muscles
  • Getting back to body building has been therapeutic and I wish I could’ve seen past the depression long enough to reap the benefits
  • I have purpose again
  • I have goals again
  • I still have low days but feel as if I can make it through because nothing was as hard as the last six months or so
  • I am truly blessed to have the support of the few people who stuck with me
  • Taco and I were meant to save one another. He came to me right before the worst depression hit me. He was my reason for living and he became my life when I felt like mine was lost
  • We are not worthy of the unconditional love, loyalty and happiness dogs give us

Don’t mind Taco. He takes naps where convenient

Son and dad bonding. Heart explosion ❤️

LAND SHARK

Forever derping!

The first time I held him.

The story of a burn out

Since October when I last posted, I have had some major struggles. 

I always pride myself on being strong and independent. I rarely ask for help, nor do I like to burden people with my inner battles. I would much rather take on the world than add any form of stress to another person. Bury the pain, bury the struggle.  It’s just how I’m programmed. Getting me to talk about how I feel is like pulling teeth. Some find it problematic but I don’t and I guess that’s the problem. 

I made it through the remaining summer like a breeze, even though  I took up drinking again and back tracked my progress to a degree. I never hit my physique goal.. Yet again. I caused it and I started to really let myself have it. “You know drinking On the weekends completely destroys the work you do Monday through Friday ” I know that there’s no way I can have my goals, reach them, while binge drinking and eating during the weekend. That was the beginning of my downward spiral. Bulking season began and I made some serious strength gains and I felt good when I worked out because the weights belonged to me. I also cared very little about the weight I had gained, almost 165 lbs. holy crap!

Things really started going south when my already stressful job with its incredibly long hours increased due to a doctor suddenly being fired. The work load and stress level of the owner increased, which meant that it did for us as well. Work became a major anxiety. Our lives outside of work had zero importance and as long as there was money being made so we were forced to stay at work. I guess when people see money being made that stop seeing the humans bleeding, crying and struggling behind it. To make matters worse I jumped on a personal training opportunity that took up the remaining time I had after work. I loved the three clients I had, they made me feel like an awesome trainer. We really bonded. I did it for them. I wasn’t going to cancel a session because I was tired. After the first week my boss quit and I was left to fend for myself.. I wanted to work there to be mentored but now it’s all on me and I felt lost. I mean I know what I’m doing but I began to second guess myself.  I pushed through, got my clients results and always supported them. After about a month the first company was bought by my home gym and I was working for them. Sounded great. I was again excited. I was made to believe it was going to be what I had hoped from the beginning a training company would be. WRONG. Sure it was better because I had a boss but again I felt alone and I was hanging on by a thread. Dammit though, my clients needed me and even though they didn’t know it I needed them. I spent my own money to give them books where I wrote workouts. I was so proud to have them. In the midst of all this I was still traveling every weekend to my long distance boy friends house with my dogs in tow. I kept pushing because I couldn’t fail, not at this. Personal training had been my dream. I spread myself so thin and I thought I would be ok.  My full time job problems had escalated and I was fighting with my old training company to even pay me. Every day I was going through the routines. Work, eat, work, lift, barely sleep and repeat.. At what point do you draw a line with how poorly you’re treated? When do you stop allowing your job to suck the joy out of everything you do?  When do you know enough is enough? For me it took having a breakdown and almost ending my relationship to see what was causing the most stress in my life. 

I was in traffic in the middle of Houston, I had just visited with friends from out of town. I was desperately trying to make it home so I could lift on my day off before the evening crowds. I wanted to go to bed early that night. It was my first day in a while that I didn’t have to train anyone but there I was, sweating my butt off in the middle of Houston’s traffic. I started to feel anxious, emotional and my thoughts started racing. This list in my head repeating my finances, chores, tasks for the weekend, everything I had to do in the near future. I couldn’t make it stop. So I did what anyone would do I guess, I started yell-crying. I wanted to yell and be angry but I couldn’t do it without crying, which made me more upset. I made it home but couldn’t make the thoughts stop. I laid down, stood up, paced, nothing helped me. So I began texting my boyfriend, thinking he would make me feel better but man was I wrong!! Immediately after texting him I could feel him becoming anxiety for me. I was focused on our distance, having to travel with the dogs(my boss hates them to come to work with me)meal prepping and traveling with tons of food. I’m not sure what I was wanting him to say but probably something along the lines of “it’ll be ok, just come and live with me” after all we had been dating well over a year with no problems. I think he hit me with some truth and told me it wasn’t that bad and then he did the big mistake “are your hormones acting up” “is this period stuff”. That did me in. In my head it was over. I asked him what he wanted in a relationship and where he saw this going. Then I told him that if he was ok with just having a “part time” girlfriend that I couldn’t do it for even another couple of months. Let me add to this and say we don’t really talk about big stuff like moving in or making it more than long distance. So this was a bomb exploding and basically made the future talk happen. Which was awkward and we both aren’t good talkers. Long story short.. I finally felt better after he agreed that moving in was in the future. I felt like a weight was lifted and I didn’t feel so anxious. I slept it on it and woke up feeling weird. I couldn’t believe that I almost ended a relationship with the perfect man for me. I really got to thinking now. What is causing me stress and what can I work on changing? Obviously I have two jobs but one is actually paying the bills, the other isn’t even paying. The second is to gain experience and I’m doing something I love but I don’t love it anymore. So why is that? Well, it was the wrong time and place for me to be a trainer. I called and quit that day and felt amazing. I was so sad to be leaving my clients but I made a lasting good impression on all three and they all understood exactly why I had to quit. I finished out the remaining sessions I had scheduled. What was one more week of not getting paid, in order to make a good lasting impression on them. Rather than walk out and leave them on their own. I still speak to them on occasion to this day. 
So, ok. Mental breakdown. Check. Still have a boyfriend. Double check. Moving forward to more recently. 

I’ll go ahead and add some good news in here before continuing down my slump path. I’ve been sober for six months and will not look back. It’s also four months into cutting season and I’m down to 17% body fat and weighing around 147 lbs, my lowest ever!! 

I began staying with Justin more often, instead of just the weekends I would have a mid week sleepover when my schedule allowed. Things were better and I felt ok again, even though my full time job kept getting worse and my training started to slack. I still was just happy to be finally getting to spend every night with my human. After a few months and baby steps I had officially moved in.  Things will now be perfect, right?! 

Wrong. What?! You’re all thinking that I must be crazy. I have one job, I don’t have to travel with my meals or dogs and best of all I’m cuddling my dream man every night. I am unbelievably grateful for that but with Ive come to learn that with all good things, comes at least one bad. 

A lot is similar to my normal routine. I have the same forty five minutes to an hour drive, except I get to use a toll way now. I have a membership to the LA fitness we had already been using. We still prep on Sunday. Things that have changed, the drive to and from work now costs twelve dollars a day, I have to go home to let dogs out before I drive fifteen more minutes to the gym. They seem minor but these little changes have had a huge impact on me. Hours have been cut at work so I’m not getting my forty hours and I’m paying a lot to drive every day. By the time I get home to let the dogs out I’ve lost my motivation and then I look at chores and tasks that need to get done and it frustrates me. I end up saying I need to stay home tonight to do x,y, z. I’ve taken a week off during this transition and I didn’t even feel bad. I don’t beat myself up when I think of skipping the gym. I’m just too tired to care anymore. I have struggled every day of my life. I’m a fighter but all my mental and physical energy is going towards work and my financial crisis. I was so excited to move I didn’t take into consideration that the toll way costs money every day and that isn’t my only way to work. I didn’t think that I’d ever be so tired from work that I would be falling asleep at the wheel. When my boyfriend and I talk he just says “just get up and do it” “don’t skip” as easy as it sounds to say, I don’t think he’s felt what a burn out feels like. I’ve been grasping to every last bit of passion I have for lifting but it’s almost not enough these days. It’s a chore, one of the million things I have to do in a day. I hate that this has become that for me. I feel like I’m letting those who look up to me down. I also haven’t spoken openly about how bad I’ve been struggling. Every day I force myself out of bed, to a job and career I’m burnt out on. I spend money to get there and back that I don’t have. Only to turn around and go to a gym that I don’t like, with crappy clientele and over crowing. I have no life outside of that. I’ve made myself a recluse, I’m happier alone where I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to put on the fake face and make people see what they want to see. That sounds awful. It is awful. I’m trying so hard to keep up, to get up and to stay up but I just keep getting knocked down. I haven’t given up completely on my goals. Let me just make that very clear. I’m just in a slump. I’m hoping that good things are about to happen. Not because I think they’re going to fall in my lap but because I’m making things happen. One stupid baby step at a time. I don’t want pitty or anyone’s sorrow. 

I share how I feel because I know I’m not alone out there. Maybe by reading this one person will get their motivation back.  Maybe others will not hold me to such unrealistic expectations. I am human. 

Taking chances to follow a dream

I have spent the better part of my life dodging chances. I’m not a timid person by any means and I’m certainly not afraid of rejection. Letting opportunity walk by is a little deeper than everyone’s normal excuses.

I have a lot of demons in my life, some I’ve over come and others are still a work in progress. My life has never been easy. I’ve spent my young teens and adulthood making decisions and facing the repocussions of these decisions. My biggest demon is finances, growing up poor, living paycheck to paycheck, being compulsive and having had a drinking problem led me over the years to completely screw myself, even today. I never learned how to manage money and I didn’t have a good example growing up. I fight myself every single day about where I should be and where I’m not. Another demon is how much I beat myself up about dropping out of both high school and college. There’s nothing worse than seeing people your age with great jobs, homes and cars. When these people ask you what you do you say “vet tech” and they ask about school and you say “no” every single person gives the same answer “oh, that’s cool” but their faces are all judgement. The hardest thing to do is wake up and do a job that you’ve been doing for eleven years and you still aren’t compensated for the amount of work you do AND you simply don’t want to do it anymore. It crushes you daily.

I day dream often about being paid to workout, model and train people so that they can experience how awesome it is to lift! I want to share my passion with the world, I want to inspire the world with my body and words. I want people to say they they kept going because of me. It hurts knowing that this is going to remain a dream for a very long time, if not forever. So every day I follow my fitness idols, read articles about fitness, I go lift and watch the people more fit than me and I can only think that I would kill to be them. I wonder if they treat their profession with passion and love, not just because it’s a paycheck, because shame on them if they don’t see how lucky they are to be where they are.

I’ve seen contests from body building companies looking for models but I look past. I just felt like there was no way so why bother. Yesterday I saw one and I started reading about how to enter and it seemed simple enough so I did it… I was embarrassed at first. I was worried what people would think for me wanting likes on a photo to help me win. After I entered I posted the link to my Facebook page and I was touched by what happened. In the course of just a few hours I had over ten friends share the post and I had 70 likes before I knew it. Although I know I won’t win it was absolutely amazing to see the support from friends, acquaintances and strangers. These are people that believe in me, they don’t see what I see in myself, they see me as someone deserving of a win. It really made me feel great.

I will continue to push every single day because this is what I love. Even if I never do this as a career, I will still work harder than everyone because this is what I was made to do. https://youtu.be/BNwhWgt5CSg

Here’s the like below to my contest I’m up to 136 likes!! Incredible!!

http://woobox.com/b6eh6z/vote/for/10635867

Below are some recent progress pictures and some just for fun pictures!! Thanks for visiting! 

  
  
  
  
  

I love carbs

Ok, I know there are some people out there that avoid carbohydrates like the plague, I am not one of them.. Don’t get me wrong now though, I’m not a carb addict. I could care less about bread, pasta or rice..but what I do love is pizza, Mexican food and beer. I know you may be wondering about that beer, thinking to yourself “I thought she was sober”. I was sober, for at least two and a half years but I started again. Not my best judgement call and for a while I thought I had it “under control ” but that’s what every alcoholic thinks. ANYWAY, I’ll get back to that.  I’ve been dieting all summer to get “cut” so I simply reduced the carbs that I was consuming during the week. I’ll tell you what, my body does not like that at all!! I’ve struggled for months to keep my strength and stamina. I’ve had more bad days than good and because of some bad habits, I had minimal results. I was basically making myself miserable(because of the diet) and mentally beating myself up(because of bad habits) I couldn’t go on like that. A normal week for me was as follows: diet my ass off Monday through Friday, binge eat and drink Friday night through Sunday. If I were a less stubborn person I would’ve nipped it in the bud sooner.. But all is well in my world. I decided that I needed to get my life and priorities back on track so I chose to quit drinking and start “bulking”. I say it that way because I simply increased my caloric intake to 2-2100 calories per day. I focus only on my protein and carbs and whatever is left over I allow for some fat. As for the drinking, I’m 23 days sober !! Woop woop!

Almost immediately I felt stronger, faster and more alert. I’ve gone into the gym everyday and destroyed those weights!! I have more energy and I’m more focused. It’s quite fabulous! It’s been easier to stack to my diet and I have less cravings for bad food. In conclusion, alcohol carbs are bad, food carbs are good. Hungover lifting is bad, sober and alert lifting is good! SO SIMPLE!!

Still kinda have abs

A little more fluff to love

Chicken and rice, food of the gods!
Get shredded or die bulking

My triumphant return!

Never skip a Monday because it’s the perfect way to set yourself up to succeed. I’ve had to remind myself of this many times over the last three years. After taking a break last week from lifting, I was amped up to go lift on Monday. I was so excited that I had trouble deciding what muscle group to workout. After going back and forth with myself on my drive home from work it was decided that I would do legs! Yay leg day! Most people hate it, loathe it, despise it but I’m over here like “yep, I love leg day.”

I wasn’t really sure what to expect seeing as it’s been years since I’ve taken more than just a few days off from the gym. So I went into it thinking I’d be weak and lame. Holy hell!! To my astonishment I was the hulk! I tore up leg day. I was so strong, I didn’t struggle with the weight like I had been prior and I even hit a couple PRs. It was the boost that I needed to push my motivation to the next level. 

Pretty much that’s how the rest of the week went for me. I felt stronger and with every lift I felt better. My joints didn’t hurt or pop and I had more energy. I couldn’t be happier. I feel the love again for body building. It’s so sad that a week before this I felt like quitting because I wasn’t enjoying my hobby. That’s one more reason to never give up on yourself and the things you love! DO WORK!!
 

leg press PR for 10 reps
  
suns out, guns out
  
skys out, thighs out
  
 

  

  

Baby steps towards greatness.

After my mini meltdown earlier this week, I took a step back and decided I needed a break. Here’s why I did that, I needed a break from training not because my body needed it but because my mind needed it. It wasn’t  because I couldn’t handle the stress but because I needed to focus on my goals. Most of all I needed to remember how much I love and need training in my life. 

So far so good. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I’ve come to a few solutions. First, if I’m ever going to make this a career I need to put my fitness goals first, as in diet, not skipping days, more sleep etc. Second, drinking alcohol does not fit into this life what so ever. Even on my best weeks I completely kill all the hard work I’ve put in with one night.  I have some fears with giving up alcohol again but that’s for another time. Third, I need to learn to say no. I don’t have to go to every social event and I certainly don’t need to feel the peer pressure to eat out and drink. This is another fear, I’d like to think that I have a lot of really good friends but I assume the numbers will diminish if I start saying no. Lastly, telling myself that I’m doing well, telling myself how much progress I’ve made. I need to stop breaking myself down and destroying myself mentally. I have a long road ahead of me and with the proper support I should be able to keep myself on track. 

Other than being lazy, this week has been mentally productive. I’ve slept a lot, watched some movies and hung around with some animals. Haha! Most of all I made it a goal to stick to my diet 100 percent and I’ve done just that, I’ve crushed cravings and gotten all my macros daily. So bring on the future. Bring on the changes. Bring on the challenges. It’s times show everyone what I’m capable of. It’s time to make history! 

There goals are out in the open, now its time to hold myself accountable.

 

Every day we hustle

 
Eating out with coworkers
   

 

   

My once weekly confession. 

Many of you will understand the struggles of being an avid exerciser. There tend to be some things that, well, we simply don’t want to do because you have to turn around and do it again the next day. For me, it’s my hair. It’s really damn long and it does take quite a deal of work. Shampooing, conditioning, brushing and drying…. And dammit, I spend 90 percent of my time sore. It’s exhausting to do all those things just to turn around and do it again the very next day. I have better things to do like eat and sleep. 

It started out as a three time a week washing, then two and now one. I honestly don’t even care. If I stunk, yea I’d wash it… But surprisingly I don’t!! YAY fitness voodoo!! So here I am as the week goes by trying to play off different hair styles when I know I look like a greaser. I’m just like “you know what, when the weekend comes this is gonna feel so awesome clean” I just think about all the time I’m saving and it’s awesome!! Judge me, please. It feeds my drive! While you spend that extra five minutes cleaning and conditioning your hair all be climbing into bed and dreaming about all my gains. 

 

This is the beach blown look right??
  
dirty hair dont care!!
 

  

Warriors fight personal battles too. 

Wake up at six am, go to high stress job, go to gym, shower, take care of bare minimum responsibilities, repeat. Day after day, after day. You aren’t left with “me time” this lifestyle COMPLETELY revolves around timing, eating and sweating. You forget that you have emotions and bumps in the road(just like everyone else)until it fucking slaps you right in the mouth. 

Some days it’s just as simple as eating a bad meal or skipping the gym to catch up on chores but other times it’s more severe. It’s mental and physical. It’s all the thoughts that, as body builders, we have from time to time. I can only speak for myself but it’s almost detrimental to my well being. I’ve always been a burier of emotions and thoughts, it’s a possibility that this effects me more. Who knows. I’ve had some crappy diet slip ups over the last few weeks, not just a bad meal, a bad weekend. I get completely disgusted with myself after the fact but I do it again the next weekend. I’ve drank alcohol every night on my weekends as well, if you’ve read my bio page has been a huge battle with me. I’ve not 100 percent completed workouts and they’ve be pretty weak here lately. Lastly, I’ve come to the point in my relationship that I would give anything to have more time with him but we simply don’t have it, being long distance. So I’ve been choosing those few more hours on Sunday night with him, not meal prepping like I should. All if the above with my added schedule stress has completely drained my ability to fight. 

“I don’t care” is my whole attitude but I do care. I care too much. About every damn thing. I care that I’m ruining my progress, I care that I’ve been weak, I care that have to pick between boyfriend and life, I care that my hours suck, I care that I can’t even spend time with my animals, I care that I haven’t even visited my own step dad in the nursing home and I care that I can’t help my mom like I should be. In order for me to make it through my day I have to say I don’t care. I lie to myself and I lie to everyone who asks if I’m ok. I put so much stress on being a strong, hard working, inspiring individual that I refuse to burden others with how I’m doing. I am everyone else’s shoulder. I listen and I know how important that is to a person but I can’t take my own advice. 

Tonight was almost a breaking point for me. I forced myself to grocery shop, then I napped not because I was tired, necessarily but because I just didn’t want to cook or workout. When I got up the only reason I started my prep was because I told myself I needed to be in bed by ten(obviously I suck at reaching goals)  I have never wanted to throw away all my food and call it quits quite like tonight. I cried, got angry because I cried, cried more because I just want one day to not mentally fight with myself. ONE DAY. I want to be able to give my boyfriend a hug in the middle of the week, I want to look like my idols, I want to not get cravings for bad food or feel weak and tired. I don’t feel like I’m asking Tim much out of life, I know great things require work and I know it’s not supposed to be easy but come the fuck on. What will I gain out of a life where I do nothing but fight mental battles? Gain a perfect physique? Be that super sexy fit couple? Be everyone’s inspiration? But at what cost? At that point I’m not longer doing this because it’s a passion, Im doing it for vanity. I may have had a tantrum/ pity party but it held a lot of truth. 

So here I am. Laying in bed. No real solution has been made but I got it off my chest. I’ll continue to do what I do every day. These battles won’t stop but hopefully over time they’ll lessen. 

 

One of my emotional stages, anger.

 
Finally freaking done cooking
  
  

Flexed really hard just for that…

It’s not a bad life, it’s a bad day.

I am human. I know, completely hard to believe!! I am though, I promise! So being as I am human and being as I lift, I always have more mental and physical stress than the average person. I’ve always been so proud of how I handle massive amounts of stress and I’ve never been phased when more has been added. I feel like Atlas. Don’t twist my words now, I said feel like, I in no way think I’m a god!! So I handle stress well, yay! That’s the easy part. Fighting your mental battles is what really defines and sets some people apart. I’d like to believe that I’m one of those people. 

Every single day I do the same routine. I eat the same thing and I fight the same battles. I AM my own worst enemy. Some days are easier but for the most part it’s over the same two things: diet and exercise. It is me telling myself how much I want that pizza or Mexican food but then beating myself up about becoming fat and destroying my goals. It can get unbearable. It makes me feel like a lunatic. I couldn’t even give you a number of times that I’ve eaten what I wanted and then spent the next day hating myself. There’s no middle ground. I truly think some days that I really do have a problem. The same applies to lifting. I work at a high stress/ heavy work job, the hours are long and most days we skip sitting for lunch. My days can range from 12-15 hours, counting my wake up time. I’ve left work falling asleep at the wheel but I STILL argue with myself about working out, even when sleep would benefit me more. When it comes to skipping the gym all emotions let loose, it’s like an emotional roller coaster. I cry about going but then get angry at being weak. My inner realist knows that I should just go because I’ll feel better even if I’m tired. Some days it just ain’t that easy. I get so bent out of shape that almost  nothing makes it better. I have a great support group and that’s normal the final step to my tantrum. Whether or not they help is situational. 

I can sit here and see the looks on your faces. I sound crazy but to be completely honest I think when you have this kind of discipline day in and day out it wears on you. Everyone and their easy nine to five job, their TV show binge watching and their fast food eating does effect you. It’s around you twenty four-seven. Some days, all though few and far between I feel like giving up and seeing what that’s like. I want to feel more than sleep, work, gym but the beast inside me quickly tells me that I’m not made to sit. I am made to inspire, motivate and set an example. Every person that’s ever said that I inspire them goes through my head when I feel like quitting because that is what makes me happy at the end of my day. You guys keep me going because I cannot fail you! 

Today was one of those days. I over came and met a friend at the gym. It was a frustrating workout because I felt weak and tired. I had good company and even though I was dropping weight during sets I still kept going. When I finally finished leg day I knew why I started lifting all over again. I love how it makes me feel. Granted I’m not 100 percent but I’m better.  

just the tip 😁 it hurt so bad
  
So I took some selfies, it makes me happy to see how far I’ve come. 

  
   

   

You do what with your food?! 

August 18th 2015

I slacked a little bit this week on my meal prepping, so I’ve been bringing tons of food to work and preparing it at lunch time. It never fails though, that someone has to make a comment about how I live. All I can do is find the humor in it. Sort of like ” bro, do you even diet” NO!! Of course not! I remember the days of fast food for every meal and I don’t miss that! I remember how I looked and felt, you can keep that lifestyle. So for those of you that meal prep and those that don’t, it requires measuring AND weighing everything. Apparently that’s not common knowledge!

One of the ladies asked me, ” so you weigh everything ?” My answer was of course “yes” * insert confused stare, followed by another question * “but why?” At this point I’m  in this situation for about the thousandth time, with yet another person. My answer doesn’t get any easier, or anymore  confusing to a person than this: “because I have goals” GOT EM! She really had nothing more to say to me. Over the years I’ve found that not very many people actually have goals and they just can’t relate. It’s sad. 

If I could change one thing with the world it would be to give people goals, no matter the size. Just give them a reason to do, not exist. 

uhhhh, what does a scale have to do with food?!?!

You are what you eat, brah!
 
#bodybuilding #fuckaverage