Warriors fight personal battles too. 

Wake up at six am, go to high stress job, go to gym, shower, take care of bare minimum responsibilities, repeat. Day after day, after day. You aren’t left with “me time” this lifestyle COMPLETELY revolves around timing, eating and sweating. You forget that you have emotions and bumps in the road(just like everyone else)until it fucking slaps you right in the mouth. 

Some days it’s just as simple as eating a bad meal or skipping the gym to catch up on chores but other times it’s more severe. It’s mental and physical. It’s all the thoughts that, as body builders, we have from time to time. I can only speak for myself but it’s almost detrimental to my well being. I’ve always been a burier of emotions and thoughts, it’s a possibility that this effects me more. Who knows. I’ve had some crappy diet slip ups over the last few weeks, not just a bad meal, a bad weekend. I get completely disgusted with myself after the fact but I do it again the next weekend. I’ve drank alcohol every night on my weekends as well, if you’ve read my bio page has been a huge battle with me. I’ve not 100 percent completed workouts and they’ve be pretty weak here lately. Lastly, I’ve come to the point in my relationship that I would give anything to have more time with him but we simply don’t have it, being long distance. So I’ve been choosing those few more hours on Sunday night with him, not meal prepping like I should. All if the above with my added schedule stress has completely drained my ability to fight. 

“I don’t care” is my whole attitude but I do care. I care too much. About every damn thing. I care that I’m ruining my progress, I care that I’ve been weak, I care that have to pick between boyfriend and life, I care that my hours suck, I care that I can’t even spend time with my animals, I care that I haven’t even visited my own step dad in the nursing home and I care that I can’t help my mom like I should be. In order for me to make it through my day I have to say I don’t care. I lie to myself and I lie to everyone who asks if I’m ok. I put so much stress on being a strong, hard working, inspiring individual that I refuse to burden others with how I’m doing. I am everyone else’s shoulder. I listen and I know how important that is to a person but I can’t take my own advice. 

Tonight was almost a breaking point for me. I forced myself to grocery shop, then I napped not because I was tired, necessarily but because I just didn’t want to cook or workout. When I got up the only reason I started my prep was because I told myself I needed to be in bed by ten(obviously I suck at reaching goals)  I have never wanted to throw away all my food and call it quits quite like tonight. I cried, got angry because I cried, cried more because I just want one day to not mentally fight with myself. ONE DAY. I want to be able to give my boyfriend a hug in the middle of the week, I want to look like my idols, I want to not get cravings for bad food or feel weak and tired. I don’t feel like I’m asking Tim much out of life, I know great things require work and I know it’s not supposed to be easy but come the fuck on. What will I gain out of a life where I do nothing but fight mental battles? Gain a perfect physique? Be that super sexy fit couple? Be everyone’s inspiration? But at what cost? At that point I’m not longer doing this because it’s a passion, Im doing it for vanity. I may have had a tantrum/ pity party but it held a lot of truth. 

So here I am. Laying in bed. No real solution has been made but I got it off my chest. I’ll continue to do what I do every day. These battles won’t stop but hopefully over time they’ll lessen. 

 

One of my emotional stages, anger.

 
Finally freaking done cooking
  
  

Flexed really hard just for that…

6 Replies to “Warriors fight personal battles too. ”

  1. Hey, glad to see the honesty in your post. During my own training camps and workout regiments I feel like just sitting down and crying sometimes.
    I unfortunately haven’t been following your blog so I’m not sure what your goal is right now or if there’s an event you’re training for, but it sounds a little bit like you’re burning out. Feeling tired all the time (body not recovering) and the depression/sadness are symptoms of that. It may be time to take a break for a couple of days or a week and go do all of those things that you care about. Remember that a break isn’t bad if it means you can come back stronger!
    If it’s a lifestyle choice you’re going after then just remember why you started. I’m not in your position but I think I can relate a little bit.
    The sport I do is individual and lots of the time its just me and the coach eating hours out of my day and it gets lonely and I’ll look at my friends and their social lives and say the same things you do. That I don’t care, but I do. Having friends matters to me and so does having a social life.
    Something that helped me and may help you is to just do that stuff on weekends or your rest day. Also it sounds like you’re eating on a meal plan (Which is awesome and more than I do for my own nutrition), but every now and then its okay to have a “cheat day” or a “cheat meal”. I know a body builder who competes in body sculpting and posing competitions and even with that she still allows herself a cheat meal during the day.

    I know the mental struggle is tough and I know you’re in a hard place right now. Hopefully some of this stuff helps you get back on your feet and feeling better both physically and emotionally! =) good luck and go get em!

    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement and kind words! My main goal right now is fat loss but I don’t want to lose muscle. You’re right. I do need to give myself time to do the things I love because I am burning out. This life can be a tough one but it can also be equally rewarding.

      1. Very true! The length you should rest has something to do with how long you’ve been feeling like this. I’m not sure what it is exactly but if i burn out I usually break for 3-7 days, especially after a competition but that depends totally on you!
        I hope you enjoy your break!
        P.S. – from weight cutting experience, I know that having a cheat meal in there would work wonders too! Since you’re going for fat loss, a revamp of your meal plan was good, but if you’ve changed from eating completely unhealthy to completely healthy, having a not as nutritious meal in there won’t game ending for your goal!
        Anyway, Cheers!!

  2. Enjoyed your post! Sounds like you have great ways to help motivate yourself even when you don’t feel like sticking to your diet and exercise plans. I wish I could have that. Be easier in yourself. From what you wrote it sounds like you’re doing well. Peace and love

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