Wake up at six am, go to high stress job, go to gym, shower, take care of bare minimum responsibilities, repeat. Day after day, after day. You aren’t left with “me time” this lifestyle COMPLETELY revolves around timing, eating and sweating. You forget that you have emotions and bumps in the road(just like everyone else)until it fucking slaps you right in the mouth.
Some days it’s just as simple as eating a bad meal or skipping the gym to catch up on chores but other times it’s more severe. It’s mental and physical. It’s all the thoughts that, as body builders, we have from time to time. I can only speak for myself but it’s almost detrimental to my well being. I’ve always been a burier of emotions and thoughts, it’s a possibility that this effects me more. Who knows. I’ve had some crappy diet slip ups over the last few weeks, not just a bad meal, a bad weekend. I get completely disgusted with myself after the fact but I do it again the next weekend. I’ve drank alcohol every night on my weekends as well, if you’ve read my bio page has been a huge battle with me. I’ve not 100 percent completed workouts and they’ve be pretty weak here lately. Lastly, I’ve come to the point in my relationship that I would give anything to have more time with him but we simply don’t have it, being long distance. So I’ve been choosing those few more hours on Sunday night with him, not meal prepping like I should. All if the above with my added schedule stress has completely drained my ability to fight.
“I don’t care” is my whole attitude but I do care. I care too much. About every damn thing. I care that I’m ruining my progress, I care that I’ve been weak, I care that have to pick between boyfriend and life, I care that my hours suck, I care that I can’t even spend time with my animals, I care that I haven’t even visited my own step dad in the nursing home and I care that I can’t help my mom like I should be. In order for me to make it through my day I have to say I don’t care. I lie to myself and I lie to everyone who asks if I’m ok. I put so much stress on being a strong, hard working, inspiring individual that I refuse to burden others with how I’m doing. I am everyone else’s shoulder. I listen and I know how important that is to a person but I can’t take my own advice.
Tonight was almost a breaking point for me. I forced myself to grocery shop, then I napped not because I was tired, necessarily but because I just didn’t want to cook or workout. When I got up the only reason I started my prep was because I told myself I needed to be in bed by ten(obviously I suck at reaching goals) I have never wanted to throw away all my food and call it quits quite like tonight. I cried, got angry because I cried, cried more because I just want one day to not mentally fight with myself. ONE DAY. I want to be able to give my boyfriend a hug in the middle of the week, I want to look like my idols, I want to not get cravings for bad food or feel weak and tired. I don’t feel like I’m asking Tim much out of life, I know great things require work and I know it’s not supposed to be easy but come the fuck on. What will I gain out of a life where I do nothing but fight mental battles? Gain a perfect physique? Be that super sexy fit couple? Be everyone’s inspiration? But at what cost? At that point I’m not longer doing this because it’s a passion, Im doing it for vanity. I may have had a tantrum/ pity party but it held a lot of truth.
So here I am. Laying in bed. No real solution has been made but I got it off my chest. I’ll continue to do what I do every day. These battles won’t stop but hopefully over time they’ll lessen.